Yasss, Semisonic dictates my current mental state! I really wanted to name this "Major Key" but it wouldn't really make and sense but, Okay moving on..
Me, hunched over the laptop in complete darkness other than the 3 wick candle burning on my night stand, staring at the blank computer screen.
This is real life. This is live.
About 5 minutes ago I decided to actually type words on said blank computer screen and this is what's happening.
I was looking through old e-mails yesterday and discovered a letter I had written to a past love (I mean I guess you can call him that) and it reminded me, a) Wow, I need to actually write more and b) what the fuck ever happened to that guy (well I kind of know but then again don't) and c) lets get this blog shit up and going again while I'm extremely moody and vulnerable.
So hurrah, here I am again bitches. Emotional AF and bitter as a fucking lemon.
**Turns on himalayan salt lamp in hopes of banishing bad energy to ensure clear thoughts and not total batshittery**
First off, just warning you this is not going to be one of those positive "you can get through anything" posts because right in this EXACT moment I don't necessarily feel that way. (WORK YOUR FUCKING MAGIC, LAMP)
Instead, this is going to be about how I want to break everything in sight to mirror how I feel deep in my heart. (Get the broken reference, turds?)
So now, some of you are probably thinking, "Well fuck, what has this bitch so twisted?"
Here's the answer:
In was a quiet day in July.... nahhh just playing. I just always wanted to start off a story like that. But really this is it:
I was a single girl, having some fun on Tinder, (getting compliments from strange men is surprisingly satisfying) and I match with this guy Tim. Thinking nothing of it, (because if you actually think of Tinder as a real thing, you should probably re-evaluate yourself) we start talking. For those of you who don't have any idea how Tinder works, just think of the most superficial, lame and shallow app that attracts assholes but is a great source of entertainment. Why would I be on such an app? Well like I said, it was highly entertaining. Moving on...
So I end up giving him my number after we had a common interest in Chiodos (look them up) and I asked him if he was going to the concert that was coming up. Low and behold, he bought a ticket and we met up there. I didn't actually expect to meet him, and even like him for that matter...but I did.
In fact,we liked each other so much that, up until recently, he described it as "more than a spark...it was fireworks."
So I am going to spare all of the sentimental shit and tell you how it ended, because of course all good things need to come to an end, right?
**Cue dramatic, heavy metal, screaming music**
Plain and simple-- my heart was broken. I have never experienced anything quite like this before. I was never dumped, and I do NOT take rejection well in the slightest. Now, I am not a pretentious asshole that thinks I would never be dumped but honestly, I did not expect this coming. This came out of complete nowheresville. When I tell you it went from 100 to 0 real quick, that's literally the best way I can describe it. One day we were looking at apartments in California online together, I was getting those really cute texts explaining that I was his soulmate... and the next my shit was neatly placed in a box on his kitchen table.
Being the intuitive person I am, I was severely thrown off base, disappointed that I couldn't see this coming. I was happy, he was happy...or so I thought.
See, I'm not going to go into personal details of Tim. As much as I really don't like him at this time in my life, thats just not something appropriate to do. I wish I could so one can understand the complexities and certain moments that would be integral to this story... but it would not be fair.
What I can say though, we come from 2 entirely different worlds. There were things I tried to understand about him that I don't think I ever will. The same can be said about him trying to understand me. That never was an issue though. I accepted him how he was, loved everything about him and saw him as my partner. Thing is, I don't know if he ever actually accepted me as much as I thought he did. Of course, no relationship on earth is ever perfect, but him and I.... there was something about us together that just made sense.
We had that playful,* hard-eye roll* and serious relationship that a lot of people don't have. I could talk to him about life and our purpose as humans one second and send him a stupid youtube video the next. I thought we had a healthy balance of give and take. He was truthfully a great boyfriend and we went places and had experiences I have never shared with another person. When I went broke randomly in the middle of the week, he would put money in my account to make sure I had what I needed. I would wakeup to breakfast made for me every Sunday. He would go out to get ciggs (classic) and he would come back with a rose for me. He would leave me notes almost every day (lots of them I still have...) and play with my hair every night before we went to sleep. He mentioned (almost daily) that he wanted to get me pregnant, and have a life with me and he couldn't wait to get me out of my house so we could live together. (Can't make this shit up)
I did notice that he pumped the breaks on a lot of these nice things he did toward the last 2 months of our relationship, though. He told me he was "stressed" and at one point he told me "I don't think I have to show you constant affection every day, you should know I love you without saying."
HMMMMMM, no.
Ladies, if a man tells you that, run away right there.
If there's one thing I took away from this failed relationship I realized to never, ever, EVER underestimate your worth. I get it. Sometimes those cutesie things that your partner does for you in the beginning kind of die down a bit as time goes on, but they should never feel like thats ACCEPTABLE. If you are in a relationship 6 months or 6 years, it does not matter... someone that loves you should make you feel loved all day, every day.
Realistically, you're not going to love someone the same amount*every day, whether it's because of a fight or because Mercury is in Retrograde, but deep down you have that Love and Commitment holding you together keeping you secure. *When I say, Love someone the same amount I don't mean that you literally love someone 99% one day and 10% the next, it's just a way of saying that there are waves and that is completely normal.
It became apparent to me after we broke up that Timothy had doubts about him and I. He did not understand that was normal. Questioning things in life that are important to you is normal. Waking up and realizing that maybe I wasn't the person that was meant to be with him is a valid thought, something that should be communicated. Thing is, it never was.
When he broke up with me, he said that he needed time to work on himself. He was not happy in his jobs, his life in general, and felt that he could not make me happy. I initially took this very admirably, and gave him a lot of respect for understanding that he needed to be happy with himself before anything else. I was okay with giving him the time he needed even though I did not agree that he should want to be alone during this difficult emotional roller-coaster. We amicably ended things and although I was sad it was over, I understood.
You may be thinking, so what the hell is she so angry for? Well this is why:
**Back story** Octoberish-- he gets a text on his phone from a random number. We always kept our phones charging next to eachother and were very open with who we were talking to. No passwords ever necessary, it was a fully trusting relationship. I had a feeling to ask who he was texting and he responded matter-of-factly with a girls name. Of course my eyes get wider because I have no idea who she is, as he never mentioned her name before. "Oh she's from work." At first I was cool with this and it didn't bother me because quite frankly I was happy he actually made a friend. (He didn't have many..) However, I thought about it the entire next day and my gut said that this was going to be a problem. (Spoiler alert: intuition was right again *ding ding*)
I told him I was not really okay with the fact he was texting another girl while he was with me, it didn't seem right. He ASSURED me up and down and in circles that they were friendly because they bonded over the Rangers (gay). I simply didn't understand why he gave his number to another female regardless of them liking a hockey team or not. You see the girl 30 hours a week, you really need to text her too? I explained that his intentions might be good but I know how females work and hers were definitely not good. He told me he understood and he would respect my wishes to cut that off.
So he never actually tells me like, "hey Samantha I took care of it. I love you I don't want to upset you... wont happen again." I had to mention it like 2 weeks later and his response was: "Yeah I told her I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore."
I should have figured from that moment that he genuinely wanted to continue whatever "relationship" they had going and ran even further away.. but no... I actually trusted him still, even though I still had this terrible feeling that this bitch was going to be an issue.
**Back story End**
So naturally he waits until AFTER we go to Boston together and see Circa Survive to strategically break up (Also before Christmas so the fuck doesn't have to buy me a gift)
I find out Sunday that he is dating this girl!!!!! Now do you understand why that would infuriate me?
Oh, and yeah he skipped Christmas with me, but bought her RANGERS tickets for her gift.
Sidebar- He claimed that I never was interested in watching the Rangers which was a blatant lie. He chainsmoked cigs in the den during the game and my cat, who I am highly allergic to hangs out in...so naturally I wouldn't really be too inclined to have to resort to an inhaler every second to watch this fucking game.
This is the last thing I am going to say about this, because as it is, I clearly put a lot of thought in the post.
Regardless of him falling out of love with me (which I know for a fact is not the case) or him masking his inner emotional dilemma about our relationship instead of actually dealing with it (facts) or whatever..... it doesn't matter.
The bottom line is, we aren't together anymore. That's it. Done, finito. Although I wish it had ended differently, and he wasn't a complete cowardly douchecanoe, it is what it is.
It says a lot about a girl if she's willing to communicate with a guy in a committed relationship, as it says a lot about the guy too.
On a real note though, who the hell in their right mind would want to be with someone else and not me....baffling....
So I conclude that Tim must be clinically insane and I urge anyone with a license to reach out to him to see if he has officially lost his mind.
As for me,
I don't want anyone to "pity" me. Yeah, it's a shitty situation, but I have learned a fuckton about myself and people, and have realized the following:
1) Understand that there are shitty people in this world and you can't really do much to change them, even though you really want to
2) As much as it felt good to exploit said shitheads in my blog, make sure you are the bigger person at the end of the day
3)Karma is a bitch
Hope you enjoyed the Samantha Chronicles.
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